The Emotional Treadmill of Working with Depression

A Self Reflective Essay

Working, not working.

I find myself staring apathetically at my computer screen, under the illusion that I’m ‘working’, not even fooling myself at this point. It’s days like this that I need to articulate exactly where I’m at… and where I’m not. So yes, cue the melodramatic music as I openly use the internet to process my inner demons.

Some days you feel energized, grateful, and eager. However, most days, you feel like you’re sinking into my surroundings, fading into the black. At a loss for yourself… for your creativity, your passion, your ambition, and excitement. Simple tasks feel difficult. Staying on an undistracted, undeterred track feels like an impossible feat. Your emotions are unforeseen and unshakeable… making you feel incapable and restless and exhausted in an intermittent cycle. Have you felt this way?

How Anxiety or Depression can have a Tolling Effect

• Beating yourself up for not being productive at work… but also not having the energy to do a single thing.
• Not being able to sleep because you are anxious about work… and then being anxious about not getting enough sleep.
• It’s the feeling you get when your chair tips back and you almost fall but you catch yourself — that feeling but for hours.
• It can also feel this harsh croak in your throat that swells and makes you feel like your tear ducts are going to unleash a fire hydrant's worth of water at any moment.

The Cons from WFH Life that goes Unmentioned

Negative 10 points for emotional damage.

Trying to work in these unrelenting mental conditions of depression is like trying to keep your eyes awake when your brain is already edging its way into dreamland. It is heavy, exhaustive, and an uncompromising uphill battle.

Working in a ‘home office’ that is just a bedroom with a desk crammed into the corner doesn’t help, either. There’s nobody to poke their head in to check in on you. No one to leisurely walk past, darting their eyes on your screen so you feel the invisible nudge to stay on task, regardless of the fact that they could care less. There is no bottomless coffee pot to host hallway conversations. There’s nothing keeping you from bellyflopping onto your bed between long meeting-less stretches of the day.

The Real Problem with Anxiety and Depression is…

• You know you’ll be okay, but you still feel awful. There may not be anything putting your life in danger, but you’ve lost the drive to function normally.
• You don’t feel like you’re worthy of being loved, and you feel like a fraud for accepting love and support when 1) you don’t feel yourself or 2) you haven’t returned it well.
• On the contrary, you’re exhausted from showing up for others — without them realizing what an emotional and physical toll it can take to simply show up. You feel like you overextend yourself to distract yourself from self-sabotaging spiraling.
• You know doing something will make you feel better, but you just don’t know how… and getting started is the hardest part. There’s a sense of acute anticipation for everything, even a walk down the street.
• You want to be well, but you just can’t seem to get there. There’s extreme exhaustion — all the time.
• You can’t explain it well, or explain why it occurs. You feel isolated as you struggle to communicate how you truly feel. And although you want others to show up in compassion, it’s easier to recoil and hope you’ll feel better soon.

Strategies vs. Idleness

There are many people who will approach this conversation from a solution-mindset. They’ll suggest therapy, time in nature, exercise, and more. In theory, many of these methods could be helpful — but it takes self-awareness and motivation to put it into action accordingly, which is often easier said than done.

What’s more — and I’m not sure if anyone else does this, but I am constantly searching for reasons why my depression is out of my control. Like a hypochondriac, I begin diagnosing myself for mental disorders or factors that could be contributing.

Thoughts like: Am I bipolar? Am I ADD or ADHD? Am I a substance abuser? Do I need medication? Is it because of my medication or side effects of my medication?

Which then spirals to: Is this hereditary? Am I victimizing myself? Am I an imposter? Will I get fired? Will this ever go away? Why can’t I make myself feel better? How do other people do this? Does anyone else feel this way?

The search for answers, solutions, and strategies often begins a self-sabotaging spiral where I end up with more unresolved questions than answers. And yes, it is embarrassing how many times I’ve googled “How to overcome depression…”. So look, Jared from HR, you can recommend going outside but vitamin D is only going to take me so far. I’ve tried.

There’s something to be said for those of us who can ‘mother’ our own selves patiently and effectively. To acknowledge what we’re feeling, accept it, give some grace, and gently nudge ourselves towards what we need in that moment.

A Corporate Glorification for Emotional Resistance

I’ve noticed there’s a sense of applause when you persist through hardships and ‘give it your all’, regardless of your circumstances. There’s a celebration for those who show up in consistency and discipline and determination at work. And look, I’m applauding those folks too. You get it, Kevin.

In the corporate ring, we glorify those who can go unphased by whirling winds of hardship. Who have the tenacity to rubberband themselves back against all odds. We favor grit, resilience, endurance, and emotional stamina. We look to our leaders who can mask their insecurities with courage a compelling word of motivation.

However, when your mental state is altered to that of depression, playing that heroic character not only feels faux, it feels implausible. You often feel paralyzed and responsive, just trying to get through the week so nothing is expected of you.

Out of this solidarity, it’s easy to fade to the background in a corporate setting. Accepting things as they come, while lacking the ambition to spearhead a charge on change. It’s easy to feel like you are replaceable and at risk of exposure of all the ways you have failed to show up consistently. It’s easier to let your insecurities outweigh your ability to bring it up to a manager.

Furthermore, it isn’t easy to articulate or vocalize in our more vulnerable moments. It doesn’t feel like a worthy excuse unless something monumental has happened that has shattered our ability to show up. It’s easier to say you’re not feeling well today than it is to say I’m not in an acceptable headspace today.

Socializing Mental Health in the Workplace

I recognize that in my process of writing this, I am unloading symptoms of depression that are likely unique to me. However, I also recognize that there are countless others that relate to having a mental disorder and do not have the language, tools, or means to associate with it or communicate it.

Let’s face it, the pandemic brought in ‘the perfect storm of stressors’— disconnected working environments, financial stress, racial intolerance, and anxiety about health and safety. It has disrupted most work environments from all angles. Because of this, I would argue that it shouldn’t just be a priority, but a responsibility for employers to step up and address how these issues are having an effect on workers, and how that has an effect on their role at work.

Companies should consider how to foster connection and remove the stigma around mental health issues. Creating channels to safely share our vulnerabilities, enabling conversations that won’t create the fear of job jeopardization, providing barrier-free resources, promoting the ability to take mental health days as equally as sick days, allowing workers to feel a sense of relief and compassion rather than the counter.

The workplace should not be a source of stress and anxiety that must be constantly mitigated. The workplace should not glorify workaholics and create unrealistic expectations. Instead, I think we need to reframe — and rebalance — our perception of work and its role in our lives. I think that leaders should cater empathy, hope, trust and compassion to their organizations and promote an environment where we respect the boundaries we need to set in times of difficulty.

Depression might be a seemingly endless emotional treadmill, but I believe employers can help play a critical role in acknowledging its existence, effect, and repercussions. To then encourage us to step off the treadmill, refresh or reboot ourselves as we need, and cheerlead us to nurture our mental health first, so we can then show up with more to offer in the workplace.

Although mental disorders may silently affect us, my hope is that we can find our voice to call it out and amplify healthier cultural norms.